Triangle Diaries: Day 15-16

On gender dysphoria, the oppressive history of eating disorders, and self-harm

6/21/2025

CW: Eating Disorders, Self-harm: Picking (slightly graphic)

Please note: I am writing from my own lived experience. Eating disorders and self-harm present differently in everyone and affect all bodies, all sizes, and all individuals in unique ways.

Day 15-16

This week, I had the opportunity to see someone I haven’t seen in two weeks. They remarked on my appearance in a way that I actually liked. They could see my internal changes on the outside, as well as some physical features. Hearing that I was glowing and that my energy seemed higher made me feel assured that I am getting better. It’s not easy to be here. It’s not easy to change my patterns. To do what my providers ask of me. To sit in group therapy with a lot of 20-something girls and to relate. I feel a bit dysphoric when I relate to the experience of young women. This is because I was socialized female until I was 31 years old.

Gender Dysphoria and the Problematic History of Eating Disorders

The pressures on women and AFAB people come from a major fault in our society: female beauty standards. These unrealistic standards are more pervasive than I can even begin to express in words. Still, I will try. Society, many of our friends and family, and our inner voices have been trained to tell us that we are not enough. That we need to be small, literally and figuratively. Skinny privilege is a very real phenomenon. As a person who has fluctuated in body size, I can tell you in my experience that this is true. The world treats me differently when I am smaller. I receive more praise and more compliments. I receive increased access to opportunities, resources, and connections. It feels like people view me as safer, more admirable, and even morally aligned when I am ‘skinny.’

[NOTE: Eating disorders have a history of systemic oppression. Diet culture is rooted in harmful, colonial ideals that perpetuate white supremacy, capitalism, and the patriarchy. I want to read and write more about this soon. For now, here are some eating disorder resources for the BIPoC community.]

Growing up, I had a grandmother who was in a larger body. While she was revered by our family, there was clear messaging that life in her body was harder. I internalized a message that I should not be like her in this way. Her immobility was a valid criticism, but it was more than that. There were thin people in my life and in the media who got more praise. I personally received more praise when my body changed. People notice my thinness or lack thereof.

“Look how tiny you are!”

“I wish I looked like you!”

“Look at that waist!”

“Have you lost weight? You look great!”

I was taught that I should maintain or control my body size at all costs in order for people to like me. The pressure was great, not only to stay small, but to strive for what society deemed as perfection.

On Self-harm (Picking)

Another unrealistic expectation society puts on us is flawless skin. This is a big one for me. I started concealing my blemishes when I was in middle school – trying desperately to cover up my imperfections so no one would notice. I also started picking my face, which didn’t help my efforts. Still to this day, my picking habit brings up shame, a lack of control, and real physical pain. But I want them gone, any bumps or marks that might distract people. It’s hard to write about picking; I haven’t quite figured it out yet.

What I do know about picking is that I do it both voluntarily and involuntarily. It happens often when I’m driving. I find myself bleeding before I even realize what happened, especially when I’m afflicted with stress or heartbreak. Especially when I’m feeling self-judgment, regret, or insecurity. At home in the mirror, I pick on purpose even if I start without meaning to. I scan my face and lean in closer. I won’t go into detail about the rest.

When providers ask me about self-harm, I usually respond, “Well, I’m a picker, but it’s not that bad.” I have some sort of imposter syndrome. It’s not bad enough to definitively say yes every time. But it’s a maladaptive behavior that does hurt me. There are lasting impacts. And I don’t usually want to do it in my wisest mind. I do like the feeling of pain, though. As someone who can dissociate from my emotional feelings, I think I find it relieving to feel something acutely in my body. Physical pain further distracts me from my feelings and also clears my mind for a moment. I need relief from my thoughts. There are better ways to do this, of course.

I didn’t mean to write so much about this. I never know what’s going to come out when I sit down. To wrap up, I’ll list some of my favorite productive coping tools. I have many. I’m grateful for that.

How I can choose to cope:

• Journaling

• Making art (Write! Sing! Play piano! Draw! Doodle! Make a collage!)

• Doing laundry

• Taking a shower

• Going for a walk

• Meditating

• Tapping (especially with a firm hand on my chest)

• Yoga (typically restorative and yin)

• Calling a friend

• Walking to the art museum

• Deep breathing

• Listening to music (comfort music, silly music, angsty music, sometimes even my own music)

• Holding an ice cube in each hand while clutching my fists

• Napping

• Making tea

• Tidying up

• Asking for company

• Taking my quilt to a park or body of water

• Driving somewhere (changing location)

• Window shopping

• Screaming in the car

• Watching a comfort movie

• Digital detox (going “off the grid” as I like to say; taking an intentional phone break)

• Finding someone to hug

If you are reading this, I would love to hear what works for you in the comments. How do you regulate, how do you show love to yourself, how do you treat yourself like a best friend?

Thanks for reading! Truly.